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1. |
Sunrise, Sunset (Intro)
01:08
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2. |
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I met her once and she talked to me
Shook her head and looked right through me
One ear Bright Eyes red and swollen
Plastic smile and styles all stolen oh
Honey we all know what's up
Don't think we don't just because we can't see the cuts
I read it on her face that morning, frantic eyes that seemed to warn me, elevated shaking, something that she said was making me afraid. So I caught her after class. I said “Just so you know, these feelings they will pass.”
And she said “boy, go and shove it up your ass. Trust me, I am the only thing that will pass.”
And she did.
I screamed her name into my handlebars, as I drove headfirst into cars. But they all seemed to stop. As I lay on asphalt, it's clear that I wound up on top.
She'd warned me not to call her Mary, not to call her anything at all. Kid don't get too attached. She said ‘Just so you know, I'll be gone like' (that).
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3. |
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4. |
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I'm sending my love to Tucson
so that when she's sad and blue on her last nerve
Close to giving up, she'll find the strength to go on because
I need you more than you need me
The world stood still when I did read,
You tried again to get away,
You called it failure but I'm glad you stayed
even if it was against your will
And at the fault of not enough pills
I need you here if even if you're there.
And I just can't fall asleep because I'm scared
You just might slip away today
I know your smiles have been faked for months
and you've endured the rain for years.
Of pain and endless tears
But just know that I'm still thinking of you.
Alexia I love you, please just stay.
I don't want to make you,
But I don't know if I can take losing you
I'm sending my butt to Tucson
Because I don't know what to do when it's this bad
But I can't sit here in New York feeling powerless and mad
That I can't control the weather, the whether or not you're still tethered to these thoughts of self destruction
Just as soon as I can I’ll be there hon
As I turn my phone off on that plane, I can't help but go a little insane
8 hours is a lifetime,
And though you'll be my wife
I'm begging please, just save me. I love you more than I have ever loved a girl.
I'm on my knees
Oh baby. You're my everything and my whole world
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5. |
Everybody's Dying
03:10
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Everybody's dying but we're all just stuck here trying to get through.
Another year of making sure we're remembered for all the good things that we do.
Because no one wants to end up like Chris Calvin.
And no on wants to die alone and poor.
And no one wants to kill themselves and have to picture all their loved ones.
No one wants to be here in the first place, that's for sure.
Maybe I'm generalizing a bit, maybe you're not all as fucked as me.
I know that I've been stuck in purgatory wanting out since I was 17.
But I try my damnedest to just keep my head up.
And I try my best to fight to stay alive.
Avoiding balconies, and falling trees, morphine replaced with powdered leaves, and still I don't trust myself to sober up and drive,
As I struggle to stay buoyant, on the outside I'll play coy and say it's fine.
But I've been manic since last Monday overindulging to get out of my mind.
I think that Carrie Fisher said it best.
When she said what it's like to be manic and depressed.
Honestly I'd be astounded if I lived past 25.
Hell, every morning I wake up and wonder how I'm still alive.
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6. |
Substantial Revelations
02:17
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It's the powders it's the pills,
It's the way they make time stand still
It's the flowers, it's the seeds,
It's the way that they control me
It's the flora it's the fauna,
It's the “I don't fucking wanna sober up”
It's never knowing when enough is enough
It's never waking up at baseline
Or being able to play that bassline
It's throwing up my guts for days
Spine aching, counting all the ways
I have soak myself in substances
Handicapped bathroom hash oil stints
Is this something I care to change?
Am I stoned or deranged?
Is it still justified to remain high when chronic pain makes me want to die
I try to whiten up my eyes but they soon well with tears
Why does the fear of unrelenting pain seem to consume my nightmarish brain
Face fucking dosed till I'm insane, gained superpowers from the flowers, swallowed seeds trying to explain why they all say I should abstain from drugs and self destructive, reproductive acts, act like I don't want wax inside my lungs each second I'm awake, I pray the Lord my bowl won't break when I spaz out of conscious control of my muscles,
Suicidal breakdowns in my dorm room, bitch so much I need a muzzle.
They say I should live, Me Before you what gives?
It's the panic, it's the fear, it's living through another year.
It's the sunshine, it's the rain, it's nightmares of being on that plane
It’s the lack of any drive, it’s just the “I don’t fucking wanna be alive”
Perception’s so contrived
I'm vomiting up words and sounds hoping I'll stumble upon something profound, but all around it's just the same damn song,
I hate the world they did me wrong,
Leave me alone, don't take my bong,
Be happy I'm still here.
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7. |
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Everybody's trying but we're all just drugged out crying on the floor
But she's like weak leaf that I've been eating cuz it still comes to my door
But I'm still chomping kilos in my dorm room.
Or should I say my drug infested porn tomb
Everything I do is suspect to the unsuspecting passer-byer.
Higher than Obama freshman year, I will survive
It's like Demi Lovato, we’ve been living with bravado now for years.
And we lie right to the outside world while we dope up and choke back all of our tears.
But at least it's nice to know we're not alone. The oxy generation is how we will be known.
We could blame it on the 90s we could blame it on Purdue or we could CT before we OD on fent laced fake pressed blues.
You met me through tinder, I probably was hindered by drugs.
Or should I say plants I've been eating in advance now for months,
But I still wake up every day in tears.
And I still think I'm the source of all my fears.
Maybe one day I'll have figured out how best to live this lie,
But for the moment the best I can do is toss, wash, inhale and try.
And I'm still stuck at home refreshing Reddit on my phone relentlessly.
To find the ld50 of loneliness and drugs that I find odious and weak.
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8. |
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I miss that girl and all her flaws
All her little cracks and brittle claws, I miss our fucked up codependency
But misery has bonded me with lovers as of now count three.
Chained together thrown in to the fire in the worst of weather
Or not I can keep this head glued up with chemicals and stares shoed up then maybe I can get to 23
But I'm running out of my mind
On the daily hoping I'll find out the
Failings of my life so I can “fuck me” back to sleep because
I'm on more drugs than Hitler was
And I can't concentrate for shit because I'm busy plotting out my own death.
And I fetishize my sadness and I run on bitter blackness.
And I'm growing tired with every agonizing breath.
But I just know it'll pass soon.
Yeah, I'll be stoned off my ass soon,
Feeling not quite as tragic as before.
So I'll have one more green drink and I'll just try harder not to think about how all we do is meaningless as spores.
I know it probably doesn't matter,
But I don't want to see you splattered with the bits of brain that I let slip
Through the cracks of my damned, manic fucking psyche
I'm insane, I know you know, but do you know? Thankfully I self destruct most of the time but
I'm allergic to nuts so I can't swallow all my failings.
And I'm still stuck here on this railing and I don't have the strength to jump or climb down, it's all been a lie now
But I just know it'll pass soon.
Yeah I'll be stoned off my ass soon,
Feeling not quite as tragic as before.
So I'll have one more green drink and I'll try harder not to think about how all we do is meaningless as spores.
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9. |
Make America Gay Again
01:55
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Maybe we shouldn’t take acid
Maybe we shouldn’t trip balls
Because maybe if we didn’t we just might be better off
Maybe we shouldn't steal music
Maybe we shouldn't cut class
Maybe we shouldn’t go kill ourselves because maybe these feelings they will pass
But this world is broken, we huffed all the smoke in thinking “we’ve found the cure, go to sleep, I'm awoken.”
Undying devotion to
A world set in motion,
Acidified oceans, the notion that potions can cure our condition,
In this rat park we live in
All the red flags we're missing, as we submit and give in to powers that be, dumping sludge in the sea,
Musk better colonize Mars before world war three.
Melt the ice caps, shoot blacks, give em' pills and let smack flow from Afghanistan, bring on that Muslim ban.
Build a wall, make em pay, Moore the mall, shock the gays.
Leave Parenthood unplanned, leave the world in your tiny hands.
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10. |
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It's the nausea, it's the pain, the signals that drive me insane
It's the coward in my brain, the thoughts I have yet to have slain,
It's the misery, it's me, it's all the things I'll never be, it's what it is. And it will be
Flaccid Acid addict Adam had em all fooled til the end
Cannabinoids cut through the noise of electricity in my head
Spastic ash catching, glass smashing, glowing bangers red
“I'll probably kill myself tomorrow” is what the procrastinating asshole in me said
Angry at music, and all the one things I can't do,
sick of the same old fucking joke of an existence when I wake up and get pissed that I'm still here,
still living my whole life in fear.
Tears trailing down my burning skin I tell myself that I can win because if I can believe it I know that I can perceive it.
Stop sobbing over the signals, nothing or broken or bleeding.
I'm pleading “get the fuck over it, suck it up and get sober” shit I've been tripping stoned for weeks my ego is getting weak.
I've been smoking changa for breakfast and eating shrooms inside my sleep,
I've been eating paper all reckless, 25i is too cheap.
1p is my something special, 5-MeO is a dream.
Aythuasca I lost ya, in my baby woodrose tea.
When I'm Sonoran and boring I'll give San Pedro a sip.
I've got an appetite for mescaline and that whole ten strip.
I've been numbed still on all that Seroquel, still holding onto pills, Lithium made my world turn gray, and Xanax took away my will.
I ever be free from these demons?
TeamTrust my tabs will not be bunk, and that my lungs will fill with skunk.
Transport me into space and funk me in my mind I've gone spelunking
Dunking dabs, swallowing slabs, dulling the stabs of pain that grabs me by the throat, 1 and a half years without playing a note
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11. |
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Jesus take the wheel cause' I keep swerving into traffic.
Take that Seroquel, the miracle that stops my psychopathic
Episodul lose of all fucking control.
To not be dead or
at least higher than all the people I admire in this world.
_____
Are we alone or are we sent here by design?
Does any of it fucking matter or are we just wasting time,
with our monotonous existence?
With such painful persistence,
I've been building up a distance between myself and the suicidal mindset
_____
(Set) down your bowl for just a moment, hear me out,
I know you're faithfully so hateful to this world, I know I was devout
before I figured out nobody really fucking cares.
So you can take off your headphones now and stop being scared.
_____
Fall face first, and feel the burn.
It's time to learn that you can handle it.
Just get out of bed before you atrophy and stand a bit like,
_____
I've been so inactive spending years just merely acting
like I had control over anything.
Living life a crippled spastic hating fucking self medicating, self deprecating fucking asshole,
without a god damned clue how to move on and forget about the past.
So let's get through this pain soaked day the only way I know I've got,
and that's with coping skills and nasty pills and mass amounts of pot.
_____
And I don't know, where I'll go.But I'm not failing three times in a row.
And I've got a gun (I don't),
and I'd say it's been fun.
_____
But it's been hell in handbag lugging this bed of nails around.
Always rains just enough to waterboard but not to drown out all the signals with substantiated cures.
I am shooting for September but I'm really just not sure
If I can keep this mask glued on with painkillers and hash,
Clued onto all the latest fads
Like shoving weed up my ass
_____
And if I’m breathing still, then ignore me. But if I’m bleeding on the floor please let me die, do not resuscitate, and bring me back to this world I hated
(Hated) every fucking moment of my turgid existence,
Despite this I’ve been making plans and still going the distance,
Required for humans to be seen as normal,
All the while making shit poems to act as informal
Suicide notes, and last wills, this last pill might kill me
But it's better than waking up to know that I'm still me.
_____
Jamie pull that up, we're got a live one and and he's dead.
Everything in his life was fixable except that big hole in his head.
The nightly news at 5 identified him and, by that I mean Reddit, misinformation is our nation, do your Civic duty, spread it
_____
(It) was his dying wish to be on your TV.
And for you to know exactly what he means.
When he says “we're all fucking dying out here”
Hopefully it's crystal clear, that we don’t belong here,
And we all want to disappear.
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Lost In The Sauce Oneonta, New York
Hyperalgesic asshole. Bum notes and dumb quotes.
September 20th, 2020
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